Hi, honey, I'm home.
Bob?
- H-Honey- - [ Laughing]
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm- I was looking for my pants.
[Chuckles ] Weren't you wearing them when you left this morning?
Yeah, I was, but a patient of mine dumped some coffee in my lap.
She was acting out a fight she had with her husband.
Oh, well, you should have worn your coffee-colored pants.
- Yeah. Where are they? - They're in the closet.
- Right. - Uh, Bob, I'd fix you something to eat...
but I don't have anything to fix and I don't have the time to fix it.
I have to meetjanice at 7:00. We have a stack pass.
- What? - A stack pass.
In the college library, back in the stacks?
Oh, that's all right, honey, I can't eat anyway, I have group tonight.
- Yeah, that's what I thought. - Um, I'll wear these burgundy-colored slacks.
- Yeah, that'll be fine. - Yeah, ifshe throws wine or cranberryjuice.
Bob, I gotta get going.
Yeah, we always seem to have to get going.
Oh, honey, all this running around is going to be worth it when I get my master's.
Besides, it's fun being back in college.
Maybe we'll run into each other at the Homecoming Dance.
This stain isn't coming out.
Bob, why don't you just send it to the cleaners?
Hey, that's right. It was a business stain. I could deduct it.
Bob? I'll see you later?
Yeah. You know, lately, we seem to pass like ships in the night.
- Oh, that's not true. - [Knocking]
- Hi, Bob. Uh,you coming or going? - Going.
- What about Emily? - She has a stack pass.
- Yeah, she's really put together. - What do you want, Howard?
Well, Ellen and I are watching a Shirley Temple movie on television...
and we're going to have popcorn and marshmallows and candied apples.
- What do you need? - Uh, popcorn, marshmallows and apples.
- You have the television set? - Yeah, but I could use some cherry cough drops.
- For what? - Uh, we're gonna mash them up and make candy for the apples.
- Sounds yummy. - [Howard] Yeah.
- Howard, the cough drops are in the den. - Oh, thank you. Excuse me.
- Oh, I guess you won't bejoining us, huh? - I'm afraid not, Ellen.
- Emily's got a stack pass. - Is that good?
- Yeah. [Chuckles] - Congratulations.
- I have to get back to the office. - Oh!
- It seems like we never see you guys anymore. - Oh, that's not true.
- Good-bye. - Well, I think it's true.
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
- They gone already? - Yeah. Emily went to school, and Bob went to group.
- I don't know when they'll be back. - I don't know about Emily...
but I think Bob'll be back in a minute.
He left his pants in the sink.
Sorry, Mr. Carlin, Dr. Hartley doesn't have anything available...
till- ah- Thursday the 17th, from 3:00 to 4:00.
Yes, things are breaking pretty well for him.
[Chuckles] Of course you're still one of his favorite patients.
And you know I'll call you if anyone cancels.
Right. Day or night. Right.
Yes, Elliot, I know the number of the phone in your briefcase.
Bye.
Doctor, I just hope that I can get over this feeling that I'm being followed.
- Well,you can. - What?
Just take it easy, Mr. Doheny.
Take it easy? How can I take it easy with what I got coming up?
Well, if I were you, I'd either forget about being Grand Marshall...
in the Thanksgiving Day Parade or, uh, march in the back.
[Elevator Dinging
- Good-bye, Mr. Doheny. - Good-bye.
Go right ahead, Mrs. Henderson.
Bob, sorry to slow down your shuttle service, but I have some messages.
Oh, uh- Why don't you go in, Mrs. Henderson...
and we'll pick it up in the middle of the fight with your husband-
a-afteryou threw the coffee!
Give me the messages. And where am I?
Oh, take it easy, Bob. Take it- Now, you're right here in the office.
You're speaking at 8:00 tonight at a primal scream debate.
You'll be against. The cleaners said they removed the coffee stain...
and, unfortunately, the zipper, so it'll be a little time.
And the first draft of your group therapy article is due tomorrow.
Oh, great. I haven't even started the article yet.
Well, that means I won't be able to get home for dinner with Emily.
- See if you can get ahold of her, will you? - Home or stacks?
- I don't know! - [ Phone Ringing]
Doctors' office. Oh, hi, Emily. We werejust trying to reach you.
She's whispering, must be stacks.
Honey? Yeah, uh, listen, about tonight, I'm afraid-
Oh, you- Oh, you can't?
Gee, I was sorta looking forward to it.
Well, honey, that makes three days in a row we haven't had dinner together.
I can't tomorrow, how about Friday?
P-Pop quiz, huh? Uh, all right, we'll make it Saturday.
Right, right. Sunday.
I hearyou right? Are you trying to set up an appointment to see your wife?
- Yeah, w-we're very busyJerry. - Boy, I'll say.
You know how long it's been since we've had lunch together?
We'll have- We'll have it soomjerry.
You know how long it's been since we've gone to the ball game together?
- Jerry, we'll go next week. - You know how long it's been...
since you've had your teeth cleaned?
- I try to brushJerry. - Bob, we really miss you.
You've got to let us back into your life.
Uh, soon,jerry, soon. Now where were we, Mrs. Henderson?
Oh, that's right. You and your husband were in the greenhouse?
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing]
Hello? No, she isn't here yet. I'm expecting her any minute.
Who's calling, pleaseﬂanice? Janice, can you speak up?
I can hardly hearyou.
You're calling from the stacks.
I should have known. What's the messageJanice?
The microfilm projector is available from 9:00 to I 1:00 tonight.
That is exciting newsJanice.
Fine. Right. Good-bye.
Oh, Bob. I'm sorry. Oh, I would have been home sooner...
but I couldn't get into the college book store.
The Mickjagger T-shirts werejust delivered- you know, the ones where he's nude?
There was a line all around the block...
and I had to go to the college library for my book...
and I almost missed my train, but I said I'd be here, and I am, and I'm glad.
My nose is broken.
Bob, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be in such a hurry.
That's all right. Where's the chicken?
Bob, you were supposed to pick up the chicken.
No, I offered to pick up the chicken, but you said no, you'd pick up the chicken.
- Oh! - I could have picked up the chicken...
when I got off at Diversey, when I- I was gonna pick up the car.
Which I forgot to pick up.
Oh, I could, uh-l could open a couple of cans of sardines.
Sardines? I thought we were saving them for a special event, like a famine.
Bob, sardines are all we have in the house.
That's- That's all right. Oh,janice called.
She said their microfilm projector is available from 9:00 to I 1:00.
- You're kidding! Oh! - She said you'd be excited.
Well, sure I'm excited, Bob. Do you know how rarely...
the microfilm projector is available on Thursday?
I didn't know you'd be that excited.
Yeah, you see, I can rush downtown and use the microfilm projector...
and be back by 11:30, if-
lfl had the car, which you forgot to pick up.
Sorry.
Well, okay. I'll stay.
I mean, it was supposed to be the night we were together anyhow...
and I- I have a few chapters to read, and when I'm finished, you can quiz me on them.
Sardines and a quiz. That might be too much excitement.
You know, for the old ticker.
Bob, you're being sarcastic, and I thought we agreed...
this was the yearyou were supposed to be understanding...
and I was supposed to go for my master's.
Oh, that's right. This was the year. The year of the sardine.
Bob, you know, you're doing it again, and I wish you'd stop...
because I'm really not in the mood.
- Okay. Okay. - You see, Ellen, I told you they're home.
I told Ellen. I said, “Ellen, there's a light on in Bob and Emily's window.“
She said, “That doesn't mean they're home.“ She's wrong, you are.
That's right, Howard. We're home.
Hey, you guys want to do something real silly tonight?
I think we are already.
L, uh-l really don't think they want to go with us, Howard...
to see Vincent Price at Soldier's Field- do you?
[Mouths Word]
No, I- I didn't think so. [Chuckles]
If you want tojoin us later, we'll be in Lincoln Park, running barefoot through it.
I don't think so, Howard.
Uh, what if we wear shoes?
- I don't think so. Come on, Howard. - Yeah.
Maybe we should wear shoes. Lots of glass and stuff. We could really get hurt.
What's, uh- What's the matter, Emily?
Oh, running barefoot through the park.
[Scoffs ] We don't even run barefoot through the apartment.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
All we do is, uh, run.
Bob, I'm gonna quit.
- What? - I'm gonna quit.
I'm not gonna go for my master's.
I'm mean, it'sjust- it's just too much trouble...
and it's putting too much strain between us.
Well, why quit? I mean, how much longer would it take?
I don't know. About two weeks, or a month- it depends on how much I can do.
You know what I think? You ought to do it all at once, you know, full time.
Just get it out of the way.
- How can I do it full time? - Well, you do whatjanice does.
Butjanice has got a room at the dorm.
- Well, then get a room at the dorm. - And not live here with you?
Well, that's the other thing I was thinking. I mean, I could get a hotel room...
near the office, and, uh- and we could both concentrate on what we're doing...
and we'd be finished together, and we could get back to normal together.
Oh, Bob, that's great. Would you really be willing to do that for me?
Well, sure. I think sometimes husbands have to...
give up things for their wives.
I mean,janice's husband gave up something for her, didn't he?
Yeah,janice.
She left him so she could get her master's.
You, uh- You don't want your degree that bad, do you?
[Chuckling] Oh, Bob. Oh, Bob. I could never leave you.
- Good. - Well, I gotta get going ifl'm gonna leave.
[Talking Gibberish In His Sleep]
- [ Meaning] - Bob?
- Mmm. - Bob, what are you doing here? Bob?
- What are you doing here? - I work here?
-I guess I slept here. - Does Emily know you slept here?
- No. I'd better call her. - I'll get her for you.
No. Wait. I have to wait for her to call me.
- I don't know her new phone number. - Her new phone number?
[Sighs ] Yeah. She isn't living at home anymore.
I mean, she-she moved out. She's living with somebody else for a week.
- Uh,janice.janice. -janice who?
I don't know.
Oh, Bob. Now, Bob...
I sense that something has happened between you and Emily.
No. No. Everything is fine. lt'sjust that I-
I worked late last night and I decided to, uh, sleep.
Carol, call the Regency Hotel...
and see what the weekly rate for a single is, will you?
- Single? - Yeah, with a shower.
Sure, Bob.
- Hi, Bob. - HLJerry.
- Carol just told me. - Told you what?
- Who's the guy? - What guy?
- Janice. -janice is a girl.
Sure, Bob.
Look,jerry, Emily is just spending- [Grunting] a little time on campus.
Right. Look, Bob, now that this whole thing is out in the open...
I always thought that master's degree stuff sounded kinda... fishy.
Jerry, see if you can understand this, will you?
Uh, Emily and I arejust a little too busy to live together right now.
I understand. I've got some whiskey in my office.
No, thankyouJerry, but I will take some toothpaste.
I don't have any toothpaste. Look, I got a nice, ﬂat tie you could put on.
And if later on in the clay you want to talk to anybody, Bob, my office is always open.
Jerry, think whatever you want, but I'd really appreciate it...
if you didn't mention anything, you know, being wrong between Emily and me.
I just don't want, you know, people mooning around with big cow eyes.
- My lips are sealed, Bob. - Good.
Bob, I want you to know that we're all behind you.
[Glass Breaking]
- That was stupid, lady. - Yeah, next time, break your own glass.
Carol, do you have a broom and a-
Bob, I don't think Mrs. Henderson belongs in this group.
- Mrs. Henderson, don't throw the lamp! - [Lamp Smashing]
JM Humming]
- Hi, Carol. - Emily!
Well, hi. Golly, how's everything on campus?
- Oh, fine. - Good
- Bob told you I was staying down there, huh? - Yeah.
- I guess it's the only way, huh? - Yeah. Uh...
- Carol, could I speak to Bob? - Sure. Sure you can.
- He's in session, but- - Oh, uh-
This is far more important. Why don't you and your attorney have a seat, and I'll buzz him.
My What?
I'm not a lawyer. My name's Kuberski. Inﬂatable office furniture.
Coffee tables, chairs, sofas.
Would you like to see me pump up the file cabinet for you?
- Not interested. - You're kidding.
No, I'm not.
Okay. I guess I'll just ﬂoat around the building.
Carol, did you really think that was my attorney?
Him? No. [Chuckles] No, he's in inﬂatable furniture.
- [Chuckles] -[Glass Clinking]
- Oh, uh, E-Emily. - Bob.
Well, how's- How's everything going?
- Oh, pretty well. [Chuckles] - Good.
Uh, how's everything at the hotel?
Oh, it's noisy. They have an Elks convention there.
- They taught me a secret handshake. - Oh,yeah?What is it?
I can't tell you.
You know, Bob, I was thinking we really ought to have, uh...
- dinner together some night. - Tonight.
- I can't tonight. - Oh.
How about tomorrow night?
- I can't tomorrow night, I- - You can cancel! Oh, sorry.
- Can you, Bob? Could you cancel? - Sure. Sure, I can cancel.
- Well, great! - Uh, your place?
Well, sure. Uh- If you want to meetjanice.
M-My place. 7:30.
Yeah, I'll, uh- I'll be there.
Well, I gotta get back to school.
- So, I'll see you tomorrow then. - Right. Your place.
7:3 O.
[Clears Throat]
Jerry? Doris and Rock are back together!
Pass it on!
Uh, Room Service? Yes, this is Dr. Hartley in, uh, room 544.
Yes, I have someone coming up for dinner and I noticed...
you forgot the vase with a single rosebud in it.
Like in the movie Pillow Talk, right.
W-What do you mean, you don't have to give 'em ﬂowers?
This is my wife.
Well, she is. Sure, sure, yourself.
Look,just-just-
j-just bring the rose up. There'll be a tip in it for you.
Oh, I don't know. Two, three dollars. Great. She is.
[Knocking On Door
Hi.
You look, uh- You look terrific.
Thank you.
- W-Well, let me- Let me get your coat. - Oh. [Chuckles]
Gee, Bob. This isn't bad.
- Well, it's-It's home. - [ Laughing]
Bob, don't you feel funny having your wife meet you in a hotel room?
No, but Room Service got a big kick out of it.
- You, uh- Did you have any trouble getting out? - No, no.
My house mother thinks I'm at a basketball game.
- We're playing Loyola. - Oh.
- Here's to an undefeated season. - Oh. [Chuckles]
Uh, anything new at the office?
Not-Not really. Oh, I bought an inﬂatable lamp.
Oh, good.
Well, I guess we should- We should eat or something.
Yeah. I'm starving.
All I had to eat all clay was a malt and some onion rings at the student union.
- You college kids eat too muchjunk. - [ Laughs]
Well, I still have one of the best complexions on campus. [ Laughs]
-I know. I'm glad. - 0/1.
You, uh- [ Coughs ] You want to hear something- something funny?
- Sure. - Everybody at the office...
they-they think, you know, that we're really separated.
That isn't funny, Bob.
W-Well it is, because they don't know why, you know, we're doing this.
- Oh. Now I get it. -Why are we doing this?
Because you said I'd get more done if I lived at the dorm.
- Well, areyou? - No, not really.
Well, then it's the dumbest thing lever said in my entire life.
I mean, Why'd- why'd you listen to me?
Because it sounded so smart when you said it.
Well, Emily, if I ever start to say something like that again, I mean, please stop me.
'Cause I hate it here.
I'd much rather be with, uh...
with you and the- and the sardines.
Oh, Bob. Well, that's good enough for me.
I mean, if you're willing to give all this up, I'm certainly willing...
to give up the malts and the onion rings in the dorm.
[Knocking On Door
- Excuse me. Hope that isn't your house mother. - [ Chuckling]
This where the rose goes?
- Right. - I'm sorry it's wilted.
It's the only one I could find. I had to rip it out of a drunk Elk's lapel.
Nice.
Something was mentioned about a two or three dollar tip.
- Oh. Oh, right. - Might as well make it three.
Thank you. You have a nice evening now, Dr. Hartley.
You have a nice evening too, Mrs. Hartley.
Oh, thank you.
It'sjust like Pillow Talk. [Chuckles]
So, what, uh- what time is curfew?
Well, I don't have a curfew, Bob, so why don't we just check out and go home?
Well, the, uh-l mean, the room is paid for.
Well, okay. [Chuckles]
L-I just don't want you to think that I ordinarily do this kind of thing.
Wow, I can't believe it.
Boy, we had some great times here.
Bob and Emily and me and...
a lot of girls you wouldn't want to know about.
Oh, Howard. We'll have some great times again.
No, no, no. lt's- It's over.
It's cobwebs.
Dust on the furniture.
Weeds.
- Oh, hi, Howard. Hi, Ellen. - Emily and Bob, you're home.
I knew it couldn't be over, because you're meant for each other...
and now you're home!
- 0h, wow - Okay, let's go.
- You're home! - Okay, I'm all set.
Oh, you're home. Gee, I can't believe it!
Wh-
Weren't Bob and Emilyjust here?
- Yeah, but they left again for a little while. - Oh!
Now it's over. Gee, I hope I like my new neighbors.
I just don't want to be here when they move in.
You know, where you're standing there, there used to be a Christmas tree.
Last year, they let me put the star on it.
And then, I remember this big surprise party-
[Continues, indistinct]
[ Mews]